Dating Scenarios We Should’ve Avoided! (Part 1)

Believe it or not, 2016 was a decade ago. Ten years ago, I was in my third year of what is now a thirteen-year relationship. Many of my friends are currently uncoupled, either by choice or because of what they describe as a shrinking pool of men who aren’t irreparably jaded—or who remain unsure of what realistic dating expectations are in the 2020s.

Prior to meeting my spouse in 2013, I was undeniably conservative about dating. My expectations were very high, with the rationale that I was more than willing to invest the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual capital, provided there was a reasonable level of reciprocation. Alas, I was not blessed with such bliss for an extended period in my earlier dating years. There was a period I refrained from dating for nearly a decade! There were also times when I settled, made excuses for inexcusable behavior, and even dared to think I was the anointed one to miraculously change him into the man I knew he could become.

Thankfully, those days are behind me, but this entry is for anyone who wants to take a semi-comical trip down dating purgatory. It might also be for those less experienced who would appreciate a heads-up to hopefully avoid some of these scenarios. Among the archetypes listed below, some I’ve known personally, others my friends have dated, and some I’ve casually encountered at social gatherings. Granted, no one is perfect, but these guys are certainly not for the faint of heart. This post is written from a male perspective, but it would not be too far-fetched to surmise that the archetypes mentioned are not exclusive to a specific gender.

Spinners

These men should be, or actually are, ace public relations C-suite executives! Regardless of their behavior toward you, they will spin it to their friends and family that you were the problem. Their charming demeanor and smooth delivery can short-circuit polygraphs and challenge world-renowned experts. Men in this realm are even more disappointing when they genuinely believe it's all your fault.

Possible lines: "Well, Ryan just wasn't the right guy for me. I tried to look past some things with him, but the more I made excuses for him, the more obvious it became that he didn't deserve me." "I hate to admit it, but Ryan just didn't prove himself to be the type of man I could be with!"

Saints to the World, Albeit Nonchalant with You

We all know at least one of these fellows. He treats his mother to lavish vacations abroad, frequently gives 100-dollar bills to the unhoused, volunteers every weekend to assist the disadvantaged, and sponsors three children in developing nations! When it comes to spending quality time with you or even considering starting a relationship, he proudly notes that he has a lot on his plate, and you should be more understanding of his outstanding obligations.

Possible lines: "Brian, why are you being so selfish? You know that I am obligated to many people who otherwise would have no one else to brighten their day!" "Brian, you're too intelligent to need this much of my time! You really need to be more understanding of my sacrifices in taking care of others less fortunate than us."

Gee, I've Never Dated a _______ Before! Let's Give It a Whirl!

Diversity is usually a good thing, but novelty tends to be degrading and exploitative—especially if everyone else in his life knows you're a novelty except you! Human beings are not clothing, upgradable electronic devices, or cuisines that can be honed to one’s specifications. There is a distinct difference between expanding one’s horizons by being inclusive and sampling a "flavor of the month" or dating a certain type because everyone who is anyone is doing it at the moment. What happens during the dreaded moment of truth when the novelty wanes or the trend is no longer en vogue?

Possible lines: "Wow, foreign guys are really hot. I really should have done this years ago!" "Hmm, I don’t understand why people had a problem with dating hairy guys. You seem pretty sexy, even with the furry chest and arms."

Smorgasbord Fever

I fault no one who embraces variety, but if you're dating incessantly while telling him you're dating exclusively, then you're being less than transparent. If you want to continue dating the spectrum, please don't do it under the premise of pursuing an exclusive and monogamous relationship. At least grant your date the courtesy of making an informed decision.

Possible lines: "We are definitely dating exclusively—I'll call you when I'm available. I have some time to see you in about three weeks for about two hours in the evening. I hope you're available." “I definitely have a large network of friends. I am a very friendly, affectionate person who loves seeing lots of people. Sometimes I might spend the night, but it doesn’t mean anything. I’ll reach out to you when I’m free.”

Sudden Window/Casual Shoppers

These guys may not mean any harm, but their epiphany that they're "only looking" seems to come to light only when you inquire about taking the relationship to the next level.

Possible lines: “Oh, I’m not looking to get involved right now. Sorry if I neglected to mention that sooner." “Gee, we were having so much fun; it would be a shame to jeopardize it by getting emotionally involved."

Return Policy Experts

These are maybe the most baffling and shocking of all guys because they tend to value you as little more than merchandise they neglected to return in time for a refund. Blunt lines like "It's been less than 45 days, so us breaking up shouldn't even register," or "I have food in my refrigerator older than I've known you," are telltale signs that the relationship is in trouble. This is not a choice for a serious relationship. Any man who watches the calendar to ascertain a breakup date is not a candidate for relationship bliss.

Possible lines: "I don't understand why you're so upset! We just met, and I see no value in going out with you again." "I'm not getting any younger, and I'm sure you feel like I do that there was no time for a bond to form between us, so let's just go our separate ways."

If you found yourself nodding along—or perhaps cringing—at this initial roster of romantic misadventures, take comfort in knowing you are not alone in the trenches. While these archetypes may prompt a fleeting desire to swear off relationships entirely, preserve your emotional and intellectual capital just a bit longer. We have only scratched the surface. In Part 2, we will descend further into dating purgatory to explore the secret agents, the human chameleons, and the rest of the scenarios we definitely should have avoided.