Dating Scenarios We Should’ve Avoided! (Part 2)

If you survived the Spinners and Return Policy Experts we chronicled in Part 1, welcome back to our descent into dating purgatory. As we continue this trip down memory lane, remember that while none of us are perfect, this upcoming roster of men is truly not for the faint of heart. From those who expect you to be perfection personified to the self-proclaimed aficionados poised to test your sanity, let's dive into the remaining dating scenarios we should’ve gracefully, yet swiftly, avoided.

Secret Agents/Married/Extraterrestrials

Men in these groups are so adept at keeping secrets that you may not ascertain their deception until it is too late. Be on the qui vive for long periods of inaccessibility, leaving quickly after receiving a call or text message, never meeting his friends or family, and meeting only at your apartment or in discreet locations.

Possible lines:

"I know I just arrived, but I have to go! I may return later, but if I don’t, I promise to make this up to you."

"I found this wonderful remote cottage for us to spend the day. It will provide us with complete privacy and ensure no interruptions."

If Only You Were/Weren't/Had/Hadn't/Did/Didn't/Would/Wouldn't/Liked/Disliked

This group of men is my bittersweet favorite. Regardless of who you are, how hard you try, and how nice you are, you will never be the one for him because his default speech is, "If only you..." Consciously or subconsciously, he tries to make you feel that the breakup or failure to be considered for a relationship was primarily, if not exclusively, your fault. If he's exceptionally gifted in this modus operandi, he may prompt you to say you'll try harder, only to have him reply, "If only you said that earlier, but alas, our moment has passed; goodbye."

Possible lines:

"Damn, if only you had shown this level of concern earlier, we would have at least had a chance to work this all out!"

"You know, if you were less paranoid, I might not be breaking up with you. It's just a shame you didn't realize this sooner."

I May Be 60, But You Better Not Be Over 25!

Some of us age with grace better than others. Conventional wisdom dictates that most men shy away from dating people old enough or young enough to be confused with their parents, children, or grandchildren! This becomes particularly awkward when he insists on dressing and behaving as if he's still in his 20s and only attending bars and clubs that state "18 to enter and 21 to drink"! If you're 60 and consider someone 40 to be too old for you, what does that say about your self-worth at 60?

Possible lines:

"I just can't even imagine dating my contemporaries. Young guys are sexy, vibrant, and so much better than the older ones!"

"I know I'm older, but I can still attract guys decades younger, so why not flaunt it?"

I'm In Love with the Concept of Being in Love!

Love can be a wonderful thing, but pursuing a textbook concept lessens the pursuer as well as the one you are dating. Love is often challenging and falls short of idealized aesthetics. Scented candles and violins may be spectacular for special occasions, but love is what happens when the candle has burned out and the violin concerto has ended. Will he still be there, or off to the next idealized romantic epic?

Possible lines:

"I always dreamed about a guy like you who would confirm that my prince was just around the corner."

"You are everything I ever dreamed of, and I know you could never be like all the other guys who never shared my belief that love can redeem all!"

My Family Always Comes First!

Before you jump to their defense, allow me to clarify. I am not referring to the men who love their families, embrace them, or have a reasonably healthy relationship with them. I am highlighting the guys who either use their family as an excuse not to get emotionally involved or allow their family members to have the definitive role in deciding who they date. The only exception to this situation is when he has a dependent/disabled child or a similar situation. Other than that, the rationale for why adult family members should be majorly influencing your relationship choices diminishes exponentially.

Possible lines:

"Being my boyfriend, you should never try to come between me and my family because they were on the scene long before you, and based on your behavior, they will be around long after you're gone!"

"It behooves you to make more of an effort with my family because they will always receive my loyalty first."

Prop Boasters

These men can be fairly calculating, and if you are "chosen" to be in a relationship with them, it may be for a limited time only! Especially be on the lookout for these types if you are exceptionally handsome, a celebrity, an overachiever, or anyone someone may consider a definite asset. Carefully guard your social media contacts, because they may find your replacement there or risk jeopardizing your proximity to your higher-profile contacts.

Possible lines:

"I will be the envy of all my friends! How many can say they are dating a diplomat?"

"Being the partner of a model is just fabulous! We will be on the A-list for that exclusive gala coming up!"

Serial Cyber/Social Media Research Fanatics

This is a special type of guy who has a lock on having the most inviting, affirming posts or profiles on the most popular sites and apps. The fanatical component emerges as so many people respond that he becomes overwhelmed with the possibility of missing "the one," thereby prompting him to date everyone who responds who may even be a remote option. This becomes readily apparent when he repeatedly forgets your name, age, and other pertinent information. He is likely a quality person, but he spends more time responding to posts than really getting to know the quality people he has already met.

Possible lines:

"It was a pleasure meeting you for coffee this afternoon. Sorry I must leave, but I have an early dinner engagement, and then I'm watching a movie with a friend around 9 p.m."

"It's been a pretty hectic week; please remind me again where you live and what you do for a living."

Saints or Sinners Apply Here

These are guys who will date you only if you are perfection personified or the poster child for character flaws. Normalcy or mediocrity is not tolerated by him because it doesn't fit his agenda to announce his greatest pride in his perfect partner or his selflessness in taking care of such a troubled/reckless soul. If being placed on a pedestal or hearing about how wonderful he is to keep you around is not your idea of fun, then you want to run from this guy.

Possible lines:

"You are perfect for me—looks, brains, charm, and grace. It is wonderful to finally have found heaven on earth!"

"Most, if not many, would have abandoned you, but I have the compassion and goodwill to be the one who sticks around and gives you the love and attention you probably have never had before."

Ghosters

On paper and in person, these men seem to be everything you could imagine and ever wanted. They gain your trust and confidence, and you grant them access to your heart. It comes to a pivotal moment when you understandably expect they will be there when you need them the most, yet unexpectedly, they vanish without a trace!

Possible lines:

“Of course I will be there; I wouldn’t dream of missing meeting your parents for the first time this Thanksgiving.”

“I will meet you at the chapel early. This is a day we will remember forever.”

Directors

The polar opposites of Ghosters, these men will never leave your side because they fear you may stray from the script they've written for you. Directors will advocate for full creative control over as many aspects of your life as possible.

Possible lines:

“Alex, remember we are having dinner tonight with Bob and Jonathan. Here’s a list of topics to talk about, and I’ve selected the outfit you’re wearing.”

“If anyone asks you personal questions at the company picnic, defer to me and I will cover it. No need to stumble into categories you can’t handle.”

Stalkers 2.0

These stalkers are not the dangerous or violent type, but their techniques and delivery may unsettle you. Once they know your full name, they launch a fact-finding campaign that rivals a Secret Service background/surveillance mission to establish top-level security clearance!

Possible lines:

“Hi, Robert. Since the 5th grade, you’ve loved Star Trek: The Next Generation. I found the original, rare, unopened Data action figure. I know I just met you four days ago, but I couldn’t resist purchasing it for you!”

"I understand if you’re too tired to chat now. I noticed that you were at the gym from 7 a.m. to 8:45 a.m., then Starbucks at 9:01 a.m. By 9:23 a.m. you arrived at Whole Foods, then…”

Changelings

Also known as human chameleons. These guys will ensure you are never bored, and you will never be sure how he will appear or conduct himself when he arrives at your home or office. Unless you enjoy a perpetually changing narrative and have an outfit for literally every occasion, you might want to take a pass on dating a changeling.

Possible lines:

“Hi honey. Yes, I changed my hair color three times this week, but each day I feel so different and want to show the world my vibrancy.”

"I find consistency too confining; I reserve the right to be a wallflower, an exhibitionist, and aloof in a 10-minute span!”

Elitists

Potentially any guy can be an elitist. All you need is some expertise or advanced knowledge of a topic. These all-too-frequent self-proclaimed aficionados are likely to repulse your friends and family while prompting you to question your own sanity.

Possible lines:

“Why do you continue socializing with those politically ignorant friends of yours? As the top editor of an award-winning column, I find them intolerable. How do you endure them?”

"I am a world-renowned linguist, and I find it unfathomable that you share DNA with those persons you claim to be your biological family.”

Tech Man

On the surface, he seems to be the man with everything. The house or apartment is visually stunning and completely equipped with the latest technology and prototypes. It sounds like a dream until the power grid is compromised or the system malfunctions.

Possible lines:

“Please don’t touch the manual controls. The backup system was designed to automatically take over. It’s been so long; I’ve forgotten how to operate the microwave on my own.”

''Our romantic night is ruined! How will I ensure we have perfect lighting, an ideal temperature bath, your favorite music, a gourmet meal, and optimally warmed bed linens when Alexa is offline?!?!”

Lifelong Hypochondriacs

I am all for sane, proactive, and science-based approaches to promoting and maintaining good health, but when daily monitoring of countdown clocks until the next global pandemic reaches your neighborhood becomes a thing, it might be time to put down your electronic devices and tracking software. What romantic dinner would be complete without a dose of Echinacea and a distilled water cocktail?

Possible lines:

“Brad, I hope you're enjoying our quiet date at home. Isn’t it wonderful to have all these modern conveniences at home to reduce our risk of catching any ailments in public?”

“After you thoroughly wash your hands for the third time, please use this physician-recommended antibacterial gel.”

”There is extra PPE equipment in the foyer. Help yourself; I have a storage locker filled with essentials! You never know when the next outbreak is coming! Oh wait, my app just informed me that a new flu variant has been discovered in some yet-to-be-revealed quadrant of the planet!!!”

This list is not exhaustive, but it provides a window into the challenges some are likely to face in dating, navigating long-term relationships, and, for those so inclined, pursuing marriage. If you recognize yourself in the scenarios above, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. If you have been involved with the men described in this article and continue to do so for whatever reason, consider exploring the possibility of dating men who better reflect the traits you are looking for in a boyfriend, partner, or spouse.